She knew that her mother had once been in a relationship with a man named Simon.
She knew that this man had left when her mother became pregnant.
She knew that her mother had raised her alone and had died when she was 16 without ever telling her the full story.
She knew that her employer’s name was Simon Caleb, that he was the right age, old enough to have been young 30 years ago, that there was a photograph in his study showing a young man named Simon alongside a young woman named Victoria who had the same face as her mother.
She knew that when she had first walked through his front door 3 weeks ago, something had tightened in her chest that she had not been able to explain.
She knew that he had asked for her birth certificate, that he had been alone with it in the kitchen for a long time that morning.
She knew that when he had come out of his study after reading it, he had been very quiet, quieter than usual, a different kind of quiet, not his usual contained working silence, but something heavier, something that sat behind his eyes differently.
She pressed her forehead lightly against the cool glass of the bus window.
These were things she knew.
What she did not know was what to do with them.
She did not sleep well that night. She lay in the dark and listened to the building sounds—the television, the plumbing, the occasional footstep above her—and let herself, for the first time, ask the question out loud in her own mind.
Is he my father?
And underneath that question, barely a breath behind it, another 1:
If he is, what then?
She thought about her mother, about the way Victoria had once said his name—Simon—quietly, with her eyes on the floor, about the letter she must have written, about the years she had worked at a small table by the window, needle moving fast and steady, raising a daughter alone and never complaining about it, never making Rebecca feel like a burden, never letting the absence of a father become the loudest thing in the room.
Her mother had protected her from so much, but she had not been able to protect her from the wondering.
Rebecca looked at the dark ceiling and felt something she rarely let herself feel.
A slow-rising anger.
Not loud anger. Just a deep, quiet heat, the kind that has been kept carefully banked for years and has never quite gone out.
She thought about Father’s Day, every year without fail: the banners in the shops, the cards in the windows, the pastor asking fathers to stand. She had sat in those pews as a child and looked at the floor and told herself it did not matter.
